Revealing the truth

If you live in a vibrant metropolis like Toronto, New York, and even Montreal, you've seen countless young professionals walking around or interacting with other human beings without taking their eyes off their Blackberries. When you - the uninitiated - see these people, you may think that those hot shots are so succesful that they are just too busy to put their beloved handheld communication device in their pocket once in a while to rejoin the 3-D world. You perhaps think that these are powerful people closing billion dollar deals, trading in and out of large positions on the stock market, or negotiating major contracts between oil tycoons and Cuban cigar smugglers. Well, if that's what you think, you are more wrong than Heidi is wrong about staying with Spencer on The Hills. If you don't get how wrong that means you are, please get off this blog.

I've often been mistaken for one of those up and coming business gurus (NOTE: I am not an up and coming business guru, I already am one), so I thought I would provide you, the run of the mill citizen, with a glance into what is really going on inside those Blackberries.

First of all, about 30% of the people you see hammering away at their Blackberry are just playing Brickbreaker, but everyone knows that.

Instead, I thought that I would share representative emails I've received or sent from my Blackberry over the past week (full disclosure here, I did change the names to make sure no one gets fired). Unfortunately, I deleted about 500 emails that my fellow contributors sent last week, but I still found some decent ones. I've color coded them for your convenience.

Enjoy...

Karate Suits= wicked

Patriot suit on Bowl of Oatmeal = great american champion

Karate team at bar = ass kicking machines

Karate team after the bar = no girls

Stella ate two members of S-Unit... And The Hoff is in questionable health, he likes lodging himself in between rocks.

Dude - I'm crashing at your place tonight. Where's the closest fast food joint?

(the next morning) Dude - is there a McD's near your place?

I befriended MH on Facebook. Have you seen those wakesurf pics???? That's pretty insane. She invited me for a drink.....wow, I'm like a school girl! I'm in love.

Dude, what is Jerry's girlfriend name in the episode where he can only remember that her name rimes with vulva? I know he calls her Mulva but what is her real name?

I just looked up who is exactly where in your building and I found the floor right below you is 100% Vacant. Therefore that floor presents itself as an ideal location to take a poop.

The man (some say legend) invented the overhand serve in volleyball, he invented the slam dunk in basketball, he also won an acedemy award for his performance in "Bridge over Madison County".

Alright boys, here is the challange: To make an overweight, average history major sounds like a mature, sophisticated genius looking for a career in Toronto. Lies are acceptable.

Last night 31 year old tried to kiss me. I couldn't do it. Why u ask? Because she cuts her own hair.

Hey I-Banker, why don't you go participate in a syndicate to take a mid-market auto parts manufacturer public and try to skim off a few percentage points in fees. If you don't screw it up, they may let you co-lead their junk bond issue next time they need to fix one of their lines.

So there you have it - no one is SO important that they must be on their Blackberries at all times. But everyone has enough dumb friends to stay busy exchanging random thoughts and comments all day.

- Keeping them honest since 2006