Once upon a time

On a dark Wednesday afternoon, two analysts were sitting in boring meetings a few blocks from each other. While their bosses are wheeling and dealing serious dollaz, this is what the analysts are exchanging:

Pretty sure Sven died last night.

Are you serious??

Yes, im very serious.... we should look into a Siberian tiger

Or a dwarf giraffe.

Albino dwarf giraffe

Three legged albino dwarf giraffe

that has a wooden peg, an eye patch and a parrot..... albino parrot

And the parrot can speak, but stutters more than Scatman Joe.



If only they knew...

Holiday schmoliday... it's bonus season!!

That time of year is approaching people, only a few weeks before bonus season kicks off!!!

Falala lala la....laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

For those who have never (read: will never) experienced the warm feeling you get during bonus season, think of how comfortable and happy those people in the holiday Old Navy commercials are… then multiply that feeling by 10, and you will get close to how we privileged ones feel once a year. You may feel better knowing that for the rest of the year, the only feeling we have is that of our soul slowly leaving our bodies as we finish editing cell BR784 in our Excel model.

But that’s beyond the point, so let’s focus on Bonus Season…

The trepidation, the excitement of waiting to see how much those all nighters spent working on a model no one ever really used and whether or not those 100 hour weeks were really worth it is almost over. Remember those Christmas mornings as a kid? When you woke up to the familiar smell of cinnamon buns your mom made, put on your new pajamas and anti-slip socks, looked out the window to see how much it snowed last night, and ran downstairs to give mom and dad a big hug because you’re so excited about unwrapping your presents. Well, take that feeling of joy, replace the pajamas with a power suit and the hug to your parents by beers with your boss, and multiply the feeling of joy by 1,000 and you may get close to how we feel about bonus season. Oh sorry, I’m back to making you realize what you’re missing.

This is the moment we wait for all year. There are no birthdays, Easter, or other such occasions to reward us or make us feel good about ourselves. Our bosses never say thank you, they never tell us we do good work – they simply give us more work once we’re done something. Instead, our firms speak with their cheque books once a year (well, actually on a weekly basis but let's focus just on the bonus for now) – and, to be honest, that’s all we really care about. You can’t buy anything with a thank you, but as you’re about to learn, you can buy a lot with a bonus cheque.

Before we get started, let’s make something clear here. You probably have a few friends that work in consulting, or – and I’m really sorry for you if it’s true – you may have lawyer friends that have told you about their bonuses. Please don’t confuse what they are talking about with the kind of bonus season we are talking about here. Lawyers basically get a few bucks, a couple of left over closing dinner bottles of wine, and left over deal toys from the year (I swear if I get another bottle opener from O… or another paperweight from S…. ). We, on the other hand, get fat cheques. We get lots and lots of dallawz, mullah, beaucoup de pognon.

I was trying to figure out how to explain the magnitude of the bonus in terms that the average person will comprehend. Here's what I have to far:

1) Our bonus is so large, that the tax hit is more than what the average Canadian makes in a year - a lot more.

2) In a good year, you and a few of your buddies can buy a small town in Texas with your cheques

3) Our bonuses are so large, our firms can only pay them using those giant game show cheques.

4) With one bonus cheque, you can fill an olympic sized pool with Crystal and have a 2,000 people drink it with huge straws

5) If you combine what we make, we would be a mid-sized country in terms of GDP.

Don't mean to leave people hanging but I'll continue this entry with items #6-10 at some other time.

All I want for Christmas is Everything on this List

Alright Santa,

Let's not beat around the bush. Even my neighbours deaf and blind dog (Yes, this is true; and no, his name isn't Tommy) knows that I haven't been the poster boy for everything that is humane and considered "nice" this year. You may even consider some of the things I've done borderline illegal, or in pure form- illegal. However, these foul acts have been overshadowed by better acts- I've saved and made people- whom I really don't even know- a ton of money in the short 8 months I've been employed at the firm. I'm sure these people have gone on to do very kind things- and in essence- I've helped them, financially, achieve these goals. Therefore, using simple logic, I deserve some special things this quarter.... I mean year.



So without further ado- (or is it adieu? or a due? I'll check into this) The Count's christmas list.


1. World Peace (aside- This is really only to bump the probability of receiving the other things on the list- I mean everyone knows that Santa can't just fucking give away World Peace- what's next? Enron coming back?)

2. A blog entry from T-Billz.
He does exist, I think I've met him once or twice. He must be really busy at work. Busier than the rest of us bucks- which you may or may not believe- is actually quite busy.

3. More airings of MXC and less airings of Dr. Phil, Oprah, The Amazing Race, The Bachelor, actually- If you could create a network that only airs hockey, baseball and football games, MXC, Hell's Kitchen, BNN, and maybe The Hills for B.O.O, 24/7, that'd be feasible. (Aside, I wonder if Bowl knew his acronym is BOO?).

4. A new car

5. Jessica Biel.
If she's unavailable, gimme Britney- I KNOW she's available. Why, you ask? I figure it'll get me that extra bit closer to punching what's his face right in it.

6. Our IT chick, Anna(real name), to get absolutely nothing at all.
Does anybody else get pissed off when these "experts" tell you that it's "harmful" to drag icons onto the desktop, or not shut down your laptop properly? HOW? and who the fuck cares? They get replaced every 6-8 months anyways!

7. Some new gold cufflinks,
I lent my other ones to some investment banker and he never gave them back.


That's pretty much it, my new years resolution is to make more people more money- so if everything goes as planned- I'll be much more selfish (but also much more deserving) next year. Life will be great in 2008. Until then, may your stockings be crisply ironed, and your egg nog considerably strengthened.

Cheers to you and yours,
Merry Xmas,
The 'Count.